My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
