Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
