I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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