News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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