so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
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