Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
