she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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