Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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