You can't motorboat a personality
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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