sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
