It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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