I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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