cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
