dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
