He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Never joke about your clitoris.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
