If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
