discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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