we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What happened to fro yo and sex?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
