"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
