sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
