whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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