Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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