i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
