I don't usually arrange sex via text message
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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