my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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