doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Never underestimate the power of titties
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
