Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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