i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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