bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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