I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
