I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it because I queefed?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
So apparently I’m into choking now
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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