you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize