I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
They have beer where we have blood.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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