i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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