He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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