you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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