my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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