shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
