Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
