I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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