I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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