My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
