I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so that wasnt chicken after all
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
