I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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