are you so shy because you have an std?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
