Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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