it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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