how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
