She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
