Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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