did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
