I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
