Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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