in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
