Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
