The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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