My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize