when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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