hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
