Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
