I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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