don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize