I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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