Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
